Death

As far as I can remember, I've been fixated on death. I have moments of sheer panic when I think about my mortality. A few years ago, I decided the reason I was afraid to die. It wasn't because I was afraid of pain or the manner in which I could go. It was that I was afraid to die and having no one remember me for anything. I wanted to be remembered for something great I did in my life. Till now I've performed small and random acts of kindness and charity. A lot of which, I do, and tell no one. I like those the best but aren't exactly "obituary builders" as I have grown to call my mission. I may be going about everything the wrong way.



I can't find my niche. I can't find the one thing I want to be remembered for. I keep seeking it out with no luck. Am I too young to find it? If I die tomorrow, that doesn't help me a whole lot. I'll be remembered as that lady, wait, who is that lady ?



And even if I do, do something big and great, who says people will know I did it, or that I will be remembered for it ? Is that pretentious?



I've been real depressed about it lately. I won't even be staying in the same state longer than 4 years for the next 10 to 15, so how can I set roots down anywhere long enough to do any real good ?



Normal people don't worry about shit like this do they ? What do you want in your obituary?

No Sense

So to speak.
I have lost my sense of smell and taste since I got sick. 3 days now. Plus the 3 days I had it last week too. All I've eaten the last 3 days is broth and bread. The weigh in next week should be pretty good. :)
I was looking into nasal sprays. A lot say that they are addictive. Then again, I suppose anything can be addictive right ?
I just sucks to eat and not be able to taste or smell it. Let alone the danger of not being able to smell leaking gas or something -- or when Em's muddy ;)

Sick Sick Sick

My kids both have double ear infections, and now, so do I.
Sucks.
I took them both in yesterday cause they had been sick for a while, but still not acting right. Apparently, Emma's was "just starting" so the dr. gave me meds for her and Wyatt and we went on our way.
Got home and Emma was crying. Tried feeding, rocking, playing, laying down, changing her. Nothing worked. Then I realized she was actually asleep and writhing still in pain...crying. There was NOTHING I could do to help her. It was the most horrible feeling I've ever felt with her. Comparable only to seeing Wyatt in the isolette with the wires and tubes and feeling helpless to help. It took 3 hours, but she finally started to feel some relief. Poor girl.
Today she is much better, but very very tired. She hasn't slept this much in a day, ever. Nor, has she ever conked out while playing on the floor.

Lazy Afternoon

This is why we shouldnt be leaving our cups on the floor, Wyatt. :)

Shes mobile... watch out

Actually...I've lost 17 lbs. Got weighed today...ya know...drove down to the truckers weigh station, hauled my fat ass up on that thing. ha.. Woot woot. Annnnnd I ate chocolate on Valentines Day :)

Wyatt had an IEP last week. They said he's doing well developmentally and recommended him for "regular" 4K next year. :) Yay! Thank God for those verbal skills. Now if I can just get him to hold his pens/utensils correctly. They are also riding me to make Wyatt pick a hand preference. He, so far, is ambidextrous. I don't know the harm of a preschooler not having a particular hand dominance, but I just know I didnt have one either, and now Im perfectly capable of writing equally with both hands.

Voted in the primary today. I'm not sure where I stand politically though. I sort of would like to through in the towel all together. I have opinions on things, but really, if they don't apply to me, why should I have a say ? Example - abortion. I personally don't think I could do it. Am I against other women doing it ? No. Why, should I be ? Its none of my business. Although I do feel like partial birth abortion is kinna gruesome.

Gun Control - I own guns. They are locked away and in a spot where I know my kids other kids wouldnt find them. I was studying to be a cop before I had Wyatt, and I bought guns for timing practice and qualifyings at the range. So. I would like my right to bear arms. Do I think there should be rules and restrictions on guns ? Sure why not ? Buying a gun at a gun show and having my background checked doesn't bother me. I'm not a felon. Sooo.. is that a dem or republi. stand? Its both. Ha....That reminded me of something..

http://www.tubearoo.com/articles/24307/Family_Guy_Right_To_Bear_Arms.html

Gay Marriage. This is the only sure thing I have. I will forever be for gay marriage and rights. As a result - Dems are the only ones for this so it throws me back to the Dem. vote

Just rambling... The kids are alseep and the house is actually clean...Im bored.

Check out perpetualkid.com Awesome site.

Wow

I've been without computer for over a week. I've realized how addicted I am to this thing. I use it for everything! Mapquest (can't get anywhere in Racine without it - you'd think I'd pick up a map?) paying my bills, conversing with damn near everyone I've ever met, arranging events for Wyatt and Emma. I was lost without this thing!
It's actually sort of pathetic.

Wyatt's had a fever since Friday. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything. Time to take him to the doc I guess. Emma is the only one in this house whom isn't sick. Thank goodness. I can only deal with my 2 babies being sick. Wyatt and my husband that is.

3 more lbs gone this week. I've passed the 15lbs gone point. In 1 month. Bah. Im not impressed. I felt like it should have been more for a whole month. I need to kick up the exercise. I crank my fat ass up on the elliptical every night for 20 minutes. Clearly it isn't enough. 2.5 inches off my waist and 1.5 off my hips. Its something I guess.

Happy Birthday Little Man

Dear Wyatt,

Today is your 4th birthday. We celebrated by having a party on Saturday (the 2nd) at the bowling alley. You had a blast.




Today the 5th we took you to Toys R Us to pick out a toy. You got to wear a Toys R Us birthday crown, you carried a balloon around with you and had Happy Birthday Wyatt said over the intercom. You picked out a Bob the Builder playdoh scooper thing. That won out of a Thomas Aquadoodle and a Marble shooter.
You were woken up this morning with a mommy homemade low fat cholesterol free white almond cake with Chocolate frosting that sported 4 crayon candles. Daddy and I sang Happy Birthday to you and you blew out the candles before we were finished ( you can never wait to blow those things out!)
And you unwrapped a "Smart Cycle", Thomas book and a wooden Curious George in a wood car. Whenever anyone said "Happy Birthday" to you, you replied with a "Happy Birthday to you too!" I came to your school today and helped you pass out your "Fruity Pebble Stars on a Stick" that you helped me make the night before.





At 4 years old you have a tremendous vocabulary. You always have something to say. You ask questions constantly. You are never without wonder.

You have a beautiful sense of humor. I keep a journal of all your jokes and funny things you say.

You like to play coy and cheeky and when you really really want something you know you shouldn't have (soda, candy etc) you use your sweetest voice, bounce a little and bat your eyes and never ever forget to say please. Honestly...I usually cave in because it's so cute.

You always ask me "Are you happy mommy?" because you never want me to be sad. If I answer that I'm not happy, you make it your mission to make me happy by smiling, giving me a hug, or telling me "Calm down sweety, calm down a little bit" (I think your teacher says this to you and you repeat it to me to help me as it helps you) Its really funny, and always makes me laugh.

You adore your sister and make it your personal goal to make her smile and laugh. She loves you to death as well.

You favorite games are with dad. Dad and you "rough house" Which consists of dad throwing you over and over on the bed and you guys smacking each other with pillows. See, only dad can play with you this way. You make it clear to me when I try. "No, this is how daddy and I play"

Your favorite book is Good Night Moon (still - has been for 2 years!) I read to you every night before bed. I HAVE to read it in your bed, I am not allowed to kneel on the floor.

You are incredibly strong willed. And you growl when your really angry.

You are the farthest thing from shy. You will talk to anyone and make polite conversation. But most the time you wont answer their questions... you will only talk about what you want to talk about and it usually has something to do with the light bulbs in the room.

You have lovely manners. We barely have to remind you to say thank you or please. Its great.

You are 100% potty trained now - Thank God!

Nothing gets by you. You are quick as a whip and so smart.

You love to draw...You make the best helicopters.
Daddy and I tell you often that we are proud of you. You really are a great kid, not just saying that cause Im your mummy. Dad and I have it easy with you. Lord knows you have your moments, but your just teaching me patience. We thank God everyday for you and that you're such a good boy.

We love you, Happy Birthday
Mummy

Wyatt's Humor

My son may be a tad naughty at times, but one thing he does have is a beautiful sense of humor. Well, maybe he doesn't know he has a sense of humor, but he says the darndest things. I actually have a journal of things he says so that I can encorporate them into his scrapbook.
A few:

His new "Cars Mayard" undies show that Mayard is Green instead of brown. So, Wyatt asks:

"Why is he green, he's supposed to be brown?!"
I tell him, well, I guess in case you poopy your undies mom can see that its poopy and not mayard."
Couple days later we put those ones on again and he says:
"I bet if I fart Mayard will turn brown"
**********************************************************
I said the f word under my breath I didnt think Wyatt heard me. Until he repeated it with the same frustration as I said it. I said "Ok, Wyatt, mommy said a naughty word, Im wrong, Im sorry, little boys dont say that word"
"Ooooooh" he says. "Right, only mommies say it when they are behind a car with a blinker and he turns the wrong way"
***********************************************************
"Vatos in the House!!"
***********************************************************
"Safety pin my buttcrack"
***********************************************************
During potty training:
Me: "But if you go poopoo in your diaper and not the potty, Im going to be very sad."
He says: "I wont go in diaper, I'll keep it in my butt."
***********************************************************
I had murdered yet another one of Wyatts fish, and we went to the pet store to buy a new one for the fish tank. As I was getting him in the car-
I said : "I dont know buddy, If your fishys keep dying were going to have to get a dog."
Wyatt says "That wont fit in the water"
************************************************************
"Let's eat Ravioli and turn it into poop"
************************************************************
"Boys have a penis girls have a ba-gi-ness"
************************************************************
"This is a really beautiful home, but the fan needs cleaning"
************************************************************
And my favorite, this had me laughing for days-
Wyatt comes in by me and he looks sad.
I ask him: "What's wrong?"
Wyatt says: "The batteries have died"
I say: "The batteries for what?"
Wyatt says: "The batteries for my weiner, theres no more power. The pee won't come out of the pee hole"

p.s. my spell check is not working :)

Use Your Words

Careful when you say that to your kids to express anger/frustration.
We've been saying this to Wyatt cause he's picked up some really bad habits- ie: smacking his own head, growling, stomping. So, now he uses his words and we get things like this:
Me: Time for School Wyatt
Wyatt: I HATE school, Im going to burn the school down, so we can't go anymore.

Dad: Wyatt, don't do that!
Wyatt: I'm going to "smoke" you with the car! (run over in Wyatt speak)

When did my kid get violent ? Is this how those 2 Columbine boys started out their preschool days? Is this normal ? Should I worry ? Naturally when he says things like that I explain the consequences of such violent actions. Does he understand ?
Urgh
You know....I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I think Wyatt plays the autism card. Sound crazy ? Well, Wyatt's in a class where there are kids with far more pronounced disabilities than he. He adopts some behaviors there as a result. Grunting, growling, "I can't do it attitude"

Sometimes I think he plays coy on purpose. For example. Today. I KNOW he knows what a yellow square looks like. Yellow is his favorite color and square was the 1st shape he knew. I asked him to pick out the yelloww square with a "1" on it for our calender today. He points at everything above and to the side of it. Not laughing though, like he's teasing me. But acting like he really really didnt know which one it was, to the point where he was actually getting mad at me. It was so frustrating.

Thankfully his IEP is next Friday and maybe the teachers will say he could work in a regular education room. Either way, next year he won't be back at Unified. His teacher is lovely, but its undeniable that he's picking up bad behaviors. I think the only reason they want him to stay in that room is because he's helping the other kids that don't have his verbal skills. While I think that is great, that Wyatt can be a good example, I think its holding his own potential back.
Do I sound full of it ?
Besides i'd really really like him to go to a montessori school. I'm just not sure if they would have the patience for a kid who just need an extra minute. Ya know ?

Snow Day

Everyone got a snow day today, even Randy. So the boys were outside playing in the snow. Actually, Wyatt found his sled and instead of sitting in it, he put his lawnmower on it and took it for a spin.I'm just happy the 7 + inches of snow came now and not tomorrow on Wyatt's party day. He's really really looking forward to it.

Im still not coming anywhere near the amount of "points" I should be eating a day. (unless I get shit-faced) Good thing, bad thing, I don't know, but I don't feel like I need to eat them. Im completely satisfied.

Emma has started to Army crawl. Time to re-baby proof. It's weird. I didn't really "baby-proof" with Wyatt. I told him no when he got too close to could be dangerous things, and he just learned to stay away from them. Except our fireplace in San Diego, had to put a bumper on that thing after Wyatt cracked his head on the stone ledge. I just imgaine Em being completely different from Wyatt so Im just going to do it.

I'm consumed right now with Randy's could be re-enlistment. He wouldnt have to tell them until June, but deciding whether or not he's going to need to happen now. I kep thinking about this house. How the hell are we going to sell this house? We'd almost have to get it ready right now, and put it up, cause I know its going to be hard to sell in this market. URRRGGGH. Sooo conflicted. I know the Navy has given us a good life. Look at having babies....it didnt cost me a cent to have Wyatt and Emma. No hospital bills whatsoever. We basically have free medical. He has job security. And the government pays for our mortgage. Not bad. Is it worth my children growing up with a part-time dad? Are my kids going to be damaged in some way? By the time Randy retires, our children will be teenagers. He's going to miss all the fun stuff. Not to mention...my baby having days will be over, cause I'll be damned if Im going to raise 3 by myself while he's off on the ocean.I can do this life by myself. I did it for 3 years before we had kids. I made peace with being alone but "together" I don't have enough faith in myself to do this life with my kids. I feel for them, they suffer. Will they respect him for not being there? Granted he's serving our country, but his responsibility should be to them. Right ? It's a hard decision, which frankly is not up to me. He's going to have to choose. And what is our choice? T0 follow along like sheep ?