Goodbye for Now

Randy was deployed this past Wednesday. (11th May)

He will be gone until around Christmas. 7 months roughly.

If you've ever known that your time with someone is going to be coming to an end (whether permanently or temporary) there is this feeling like you are running towards the end of this high cliff...and you get to the edge and you try to skitter to a stop and back away. That's sort of what our week before deployment feels like.

Trying to get last minute things finished. Trying to spend as much time as humanly possible together.

Setting plans in place. Wills-always unpleasant. Power of Attorney-I'll try to contain my excitement. Trying to learn things I don't know how to do that I'll need to know.

The kids getting read a million books by dad, because he wont be able to do it for a long while. I try to memorize what it looks like when he holds the kids, or smiles at them. The way they look at him. Like he's the greatest play toy on earth.

I try to tell him at every opportunity that I love him and that if he cheats on me while in port- I will emasculate him with my bare hands. Cause I will not have that shit, I will not have it.
I try to really feel and commit to memory- his hands, because I need that memory to last while hes gone. I need it. I need to remember what it feels like for that hand to hold mine.

And then the day comes. I haven't afforded myself to cry. Neither has Wyatt. Neither has Randy. We did everything we possibly could before this day came, to prepare ourselves and in our minds..."We got this." Our nerves steeled and brave faces plastered on, we walk to the pier. Wanting to keep it short and sweet, not to draw it out, we want to say goodbye quickly. Its never that simple. I cry. Its always at the last minute. When you realize. Shit. Its here. This is it. There's the ship. No going back now. (How deep a shit would we be in if I cracked him upside the head with my platform shoe and dragged his unconscious ass back to the car?)

Wyatt- my little man, still has his brave face plastered on and tells dad in a quiet voice "I don't want you to go." Randy hugs him. What else can be done?



Randy asks Emma for a kiss goodbye. She punches him instead. Yeah. Shes taken the high route and is just plain pissed over this fiasco. Randy rebounds gracefully and eventually gets his kiss.



Goodbye. We wait till he is out of sight before we turn our backs on the pier and walk to the car.

I buckle in Emma (who's still pissed and thinks dad is coming back in the morning) and look at Wyatt. His eyes are beet red and it looks like his eyes are filled with unshed tears. "Wyatt?" I say. He says, "Mom, I think I need to cry." "Do it." I tell him. And my little guy who kept his brave face on in front of dad, has finally let it out. Bravo child. You're braver than I was.

This is what hurts the most. No matter the preparation. No matter the time you spend. No matter how steeled and ready you think you are. You cant really prepare for how much the actual goodbye is going to hurt. Albeit temporary, it hurts.

Conclusions

Emma has finished soccer. Thank the Lord. That was an ordeal. Im thinking...not her thing. She just couldnt get over the other kids "being mean to her" (The opposing team was trying to kick the ball away...thus they are being mean.) Perhaps T-Ball this fall instead?

Wyatt has "bridged" from Tiger Scout to Wolf Scout. Another big milestone. He's worked all year to earn "Tiger" Im counting my blessings that Wyatt still wants to stay in Boy Scouts. We have lots of activities planned through-out the summer with the boy scouts.

Soccer and Science Update

Wyatt is loving the mad science classes we enrolled him in. He brings home a little home experiment every week. Surprisingly you tell us everything that happens in class- not like school where you just tell us "its ok...we didnt do anything." Im happy that you like it.

Emma loves soccer. Emma hates the structure involved. She doesnt want to run the drills, she just wants to run and kick. We are working on it. Her first game is this Saturday!

Wyatt is 7

Wyatt,

We celebrated your 6Th birthday twice again this year. Once when your father was home and once on your actual birthday. We had a Despicable Me pajama movie party and invited 2 new friends over. It was perfectly controlled chaos and it was the first time I've seen you truly happy and carefree since moving to Virginia. Dad and I bought you a Lego Fire Boat. You and I put it together. You were proud of us for not needing dads assistance for once.

You've been having some trouble in school. Not because you don't understand what is being taught, but because you are refusing to be tested to your ability. You wont demonstrate for your teachers that you know how to read and write without fuss. Math and science, however, you shine. I knew you would. You are taking a fun extra science class after school once a week all about being a sleuth. I'm worried about getting you through this reading writing hump, I mean, how exactly can I make you love reading? Its all you kiddo. I'll do my best, I promise.

You lost your first tooth in January 2011.

You are 53 lbs and are exactly 4 feet tall.

You are one heck of a snappy dresser. You prefer button down shirts, vests, ties and fancy shoes.

You have a critical mind. You don't think inside the box. You think outside and around the block from the box. You come up with the best quips and have quick wit. You are a deep thinker and don't even realize it yet. Example- You told Emma "Imagination lets your brain roam freely, but remember, you're still in mom's hands." or... telling the doctor during your well check that taking off your underwear for the exam is inappropriate and the fact that the doctor sees children every day without their underwear is even more inappropriate. Not many children can make a doctor feel like a dirty perv, well done child, well done.

You caught a nasty case of ringworm on your scalp from a hair cutters clippers. Because of your amoxicillan allergy you were unable to take the recommended course of treatment. We had to take a medicine that would potentially damage your liver, which means we had to have blood draws every 2 weeks to check your levels. After that first blood draw... to say you've caused a scene at every subsequent blood draw is putting it mildly. You're reaction runs the same with what I imagine it would be like if I was sticking bamboo shoots up your fingernails while making your walk over burning hot coals. Its bad. I'm bringing this up in your birthday letter because I'm praying that these blood draw memories wont make it to the grand cut of memories in your adult life. And if you do end up having a horrid fear of pointy needles as an adult, I want you to know that this is why.

We are getting to a point with you where we need to talk to you about what autism is and how it effects the way do and think about things. I've given you a generic rundown but I fear the time is coming for a more lengthy hallmark discussion. I'm hoping by understanding autism you will have a better idea of how to make this life work for you in the best possible way. The sooner the better right?

You are a bright, loving kid, Wyatt. You are truly thoughtful and I couldn't ask for a better 7 year old.

Love,
Mom

Embarrassing

Oh....Emma.

You are talking to other women about boobs. "You have big boobs. I have small boobs. Mommy has big boobs. You have small boobs. Here...Look at my boobs."

Dear Lord....Please tell me this is a phase.

You do know your colors. In fact, whenever you see an African-American you let them know exactly what color they are and what color you are. And....if they arent paying attention to you...you lay it on me "Mom....they are brown . And I am vanilla colored." Ok...so...I know I don't point out the differences in people, so why the hell are you doing it?!?!?!?!?!

Again...Dear Lord....Please tell me this is a phase.

Oh my Emma

Its nighttime and we are sitting by the sliding glass doors. She looks over to her reflection and says "Oh! Hello there Black Emma!"

tee he he!

And now, if I may, a picture montage...


Believe it or not, the best Christmas Day shot I have of the kids...


Lots of snow! (For Virginia standards) 5 inches.


My boys.


Emma and her new bed...

Lost his first tooth Jan 5th 2011...

Daddy bought Wyatt Mouse Trap for his birthday before he left for sea..


Wyatt and I at Wyatt's Pre-Daddy Leaving Dinner

Emma looking all sassy.



Emma studying hard.

Wyatt and his class at their "Way Down Deep in the Deep Blue Sea" Muscial Production. They all look a little nutty because it was Pajama day, then the kids had to put on their tropical gear on top of it for the production. It was adorable. And this year Wyatt actually sang and moved his hands! Woot!

sad thoughts

My boy will be 7 in a week.

Wyatt is super sad. Now all of a sudden out of freakin' no where, he wants a kids party ON HIS BIRTHDAY and not after. (we were going to do something after Randy got back end of the month) He's really upset that people wont be here for a party. I dont know what to do. I put a event on my mommies site for a pajama party the day before his birthday to watch Despicable Me and have pizza, but no one has replied and I dont think anyone will. They just don't know us well and a lot of the womens kids are younger. It sucks. I just...feel so helpless. Part of me just wants to say the hell with it and put invites in his bag on Monday and see what shakes. I wouldn't have a clue what to do for a birthday party, I dont have games ready and Wyatt thinks hes getting a magician on his birthday and I have no idea where he got that from. *cry*

This is such a mess. I just feel so bad for him

on top of that....

Emma was sitting on the couch looking like someone shit in her cherrios. I asked her.. Whats wrong?" she told me "want friend to come play with me" I said "Where, at school?" She said "No, I want my old friends to come my house and play with me."

That broke my heart. I knew Wyatt was having trouble not having friends, I had no idea Emma was sad and thinking about it too.

Well babies...that makes 3 of us.

My God. Just tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this better for them.

Classes

Kind of excited.

I've enrolled Wyatt in Mad Science. Its a science program that does after school projects with interested kids. Wyatt is very interested. He loves all things science. I'll take it. As of yet, Wyatt isnt a sporty kid. But hell....I say the world doesn't need more athletes...it needs more scientists and critical thinkers. Cant wait to see if he likes the classes.

Emma is enrolled in soccer. Hes uber happy about it. She cant wait to get the "soccer socks" I have no idea why. Shes a really aggressive kid, though. Im a little nervous about that on the soccer field. We'll have to wait and see!

Randy has been gone only a week. Its been a looooong week. Got about a month left.

Pinewood derby is coming up! Cant wait to post the pictures!

My bad

Christmas was good. It went by in a blink. Randy had to be back to work right after Christmas. On the plus side...it did snow here in craptastic Virginia Beach. Of course on Christmas night when it started to snow, Wyatt leaned his head out the window to touch it and got all twitterpated, said something like "Wow! I cant believe its actually snowing!" Which was then met with my ass-hat neighbor screaming "Shut Up!" at Wyatt. Merry Christmas asshole, enjoy life on the sexual predators list and your case of crotch mouth. I said as much (drunk as I was) and get nothing but smiles from the freak. Have I mentioned lately that I LOATHE THIS PLACE?

We had our usual silly string party for New Years. Was able to have it outside in the snow. Fun was had by all.

Preschool search.

I have been researching preschools. To my dismay, the cost is ridiculous. It will be about 300 a month for Emma to attend 4 days a week. Yes...a MONTH not a semester. I have a feeling I will be giving up my hopes to work to home school Pre-K. Don't get me wrong. We can pay for it.... at the expense of not being able to save a nickel the entire time shes in school. That is unacceptable to me. They cram so much in Kindergartners heads. Its appalling to me that Pre-K isn't offered by the school system. bleh.

Emma's speech continues to improve and grow. She is carrying on full understandable conversations now. Its great. The surgery was clearly a success.

Wyatt is doing OK in school. We have gotten to some tricky things. His autism. Never before has he had sensory issues. Now he is. He is making noises pretty consistently. Say he's bored with the lesson, or not interested, the noises will start up. Somewhat loud and obnoxious. He will make noises when he's content too, but they are more quiet and to himself. Its seems to be the way he's handling the energy he needs to get out. Hes progressing in school, not falling behind, but we need to work at it. Just have to keep him interested.

Randy will be gone for a month in a few weeks. He will deployed for the big one in the spring "sometime" I feel like I'm... prepared? I guess. Because during his training in San Diego then his stationing in Norfolk, we didn't see him for 7 months. Its going to be hell on the kids. On Randy too. He's been gone so much in the last year. The kids and I will most likely be spending part of the summer back home. Better to be home than baking like a fritter in the Virginia heat.

oh! Wyatt's obsession with when I'm dying vs. when he's going to die seemed to ease last night. We were looking at a height chart we are marking him on and it goes to 12th grade.

He asked me "Are you going to be alive when I'm a senior?"

"Yes" I told him. He perked right up and had a big smile on his face. It looked like a lifted a real weight off him by telling him that.

So I said, "I'm going to be there when you go through college, and find a wife and have kids..." He says "Then I get to watch my kids grow like you did me?"

"Yes" I said. And his relief was obvious.

So I wonder all this time he's been stressing about when I was going to die I've been unable to ease him about it in any way until last night.......Did he think I was going to knock off soon, or what?!