Popping my Blog Cherry

I'm not one for lengthy introductions, so I'll just jump right into thingys.

Have you ever thought things in your head, that you knew if you said them out loud you'd lose friends and everyone around you would think your a complete bitch ? Some people have the distinct pleasure of being able to say those things with frankly, not giving a damn. I'm not one of those people. I placate and go with the flow of conversation I think those around me would rather hear. Thinking it might make me likable and maybe make a friend. It really hasn't been working out of me too well. I've made a few friends, but I do not think I'm all that likable. I try to make new friends even now, and it never pans out. Now why is that ? Should I say what I really think knowing damn well its not the norm ? Is it that my oldest child is not exactly the picture perfect stepford kid ? Is it because Im a fat chick ? I think I have a pretty decent disposition.
Lately, the line I have drawn between what I say and what I know I shouldn't say has become very very thin. And more things I probably shouldn't say have been sneaking in. Now, Im not talking about things that are completely in bad taste and manners. Just my ability to let things pass has seemed to come to a stop.
In Racine... we had plastic fetuses sent to our homes from Wisconsin right to life. Nice. Their theory was that this doll was supposed to educate. "This is what a 11 month old fetus looks like" Where, what they were really trying to say was "I don't know if you've had an abortion, but look at this doll, and look at what you killed, you should be ashamed of yourself" Again...more people that don't come out and say what they mean. Anyway... I was sick by it. I miscarried a young baby, not quite 11 weeks, but close. I knew I was miscarrying so I went to the hospital. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I sat (so graphic) I felt something push I for some reason I stuck my hand down to catch or grab whatever it was. It was my baby. It was like it was a figure of grey and blood. It was horrible. I screamed. Anyway, its vivid in my mind so I was not pleased to get a plastic replica of the baby I lost. Sooooo, my line of decency thinned, and I found out the names of the people who sent it, as well as....where they work, that address, where they live/ph #, their church......And I stuck all the information on any blog in Racine I could find so that people who were as discontented as I was could send theirs back directly to the source.


See, I think the problem is, that deep down, I'm not a nice person. I want to be, and that's why most the time I say what I think I should say. I want my children to be nice people, so I poop rainbows for them. I am the mother I want them to have, not the mother I think I actually am. Wow...now who's hypocritical huh ?

Maybe I should just break down my line and just say the things I want to say. Maybe then I'll make friends...the other way doesn't seem to be working anyway. Annnnd, I won't be here in another year so, no foul ?

I probably make no sense