Goodbye for Now

Randy was deployed this past Wednesday. (11th May)

He will be gone until around Christmas. 7 months roughly.

If you've ever known that your time with someone is going to be coming to an end (whether permanently or temporary) there is this feeling like you are running towards the end of this high cliff...and you get to the edge and you try to skitter to a stop and back away. That's sort of what our week before deployment feels like.

Trying to get last minute things finished. Trying to spend as much time as humanly possible together.

Setting plans in place. Wills-always unpleasant. Power of Attorney-I'll try to contain my excitement. Trying to learn things I don't know how to do that I'll need to know.

The kids getting read a million books by dad, because he wont be able to do it for a long while. I try to memorize what it looks like when he holds the kids, or smiles at them. The way they look at him. Like he's the greatest play toy on earth.

I try to tell him at every opportunity that I love him and that if he cheats on me while in port- I will emasculate him with my bare hands. Cause I will not have that shit, I will not have it.
I try to really feel and commit to memory- his hands, because I need that memory to last while hes gone. I need it. I need to remember what it feels like for that hand to hold mine.

And then the day comes. I haven't afforded myself to cry. Neither has Wyatt. Neither has Randy. We did everything we possibly could before this day came, to prepare ourselves and in our minds..."We got this." Our nerves steeled and brave faces plastered on, we walk to the pier. Wanting to keep it short and sweet, not to draw it out, we want to say goodbye quickly. Its never that simple. I cry. Its always at the last minute. When you realize. Shit. Its here. This is it. There's the ship. No going back now. (How deep a shit would we be in if I cracked him upside the head with my platform shoe and dragged his unconscious ass back to the car?)

Wyatt- my little man, still has his brave face plastered on and tells dad in a quiet voice "I don't want you to go." Randy hugs him. What else can be done?



Randy asks Emma for a kiss goodbye. She punches him instead. Yeah. Shes taken the high route and is just plain pissed over this fiasco. Randy rebounds gracefully and eventually gets his kiss.



Goodbye. We wait till he is out of sight before we turn our backs on the pier and walk to the car.

I buckle in Emma (who's still pissed and thinks dad is coming back in the morning) and look at Wyatt. His eyes are beet red and it looks like his eyes are filled with unshed tears. "Wyatt?" I say. He says, "Mom, I think I need to cry." "Do it." I tell him. And my little guy who kept his brave face on in front of dad, has finally let it out. Bravo child. You're braver than I was.

This is what hurts the most. No matter the preparation. No matter the time you spend. No matter how steeled and ready you think you are. You cant really prepare for how much the actual goodbye is going to hurt. Albeit temporary, it hurts.

sad thoughts

My boy will be 7 in a week.

Wyatt is super sad. Now all of a sudden out of freakin' no where, he wants a kids party ON HIS BIRTHDAY and not after. (we were going to do something after Randy got back end of the month) He's really upset that people wont be here for a party. I dont know what to do. I put a event on my mommies site for a pajama party the day before his birthday to watch Despicable Me and have pizza, but no one has replied and I dont think anyone will. They just don't know us well and a lot of the womens kids are younger. It sucks. I just...feel so helpless. Part of me just wants to say the hell with it and put invites in his bag on Monday and see what shakes. I wouldn't have a clue what to do for a birthday party, I dont have games ready and Wyatt thinks hes getting a magician on his birthday and I have no idea where he got that from. *cry*

This is such a mess. I just feel so bad for him

on top of that....

Emma was sitting on the couch looking like someone shit in her cherrios. I asked her.. Whats wrong?" she told me "want friend to come play with me" I said "Where, at school?" She said "No, I want my old friends to come my house and play with me."

That broke my heart. I knew Wyatt was having trouble not having friends, I had no idea Emma was sad and thinking about it too.

Well babies...that makes 3 of us.

My God. Just tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this better for them.

My bad

Christmas was good. It went by in a blink. Randy had to be back to work right after Christmas. On the plus side...it did snow here in craptastic Virginia Beach. Of course on Christmas night when it started to snow, Wyatt leaned his head out the window to touch it and got all twitterpated, said something like "Wow! I cant believe its actually snowing!" Which was then met with my ass-hat neighbor screaming "Shut Up!" at Wyatt. Merry Christmas asshole, enjoy life on the sexual predators list and your case of crotch mouth. I said as much (drunk as I was) and get nothing but smiles from the freak. Have I mentioned lately that I LOATHE THIS PLACE?

We had our usual silly string party for New Years. Was able to have it outside in the snow. Fun was had by all.

Preschool search.

I have been researching preschools. To my dismay, the cost is ridiculous. It will be about 300 a month for Emma to attend 4 days a week. Yes...a MONTH not a semester. I have a feeling I will be giving up my hopes to work to home school Pre-K. Don't get me wrong. We can pay for it.... at the expense of not being able to save a nickel the entire time shes in school. That is unacceptable to me. They cram so much in Kindergartners heads. Its appalling to me that Pre-K isn't offered by the school system. bleh.

Emma's speech continues to improve and grow. She is carrying on full understandable conversations now. Its great. The surgery was clearly a success.

Wyatt is doing OK in school. We have gotten to some tricky things. His autism. Never before has he had sensory issues. Now he is. He is making noises pretty consistently. Say he's bored with the lesson, or not interested, the noises will start up. Somewhat loud and obnoxious. He will make noises when he's content too, but they are more quiet and to himself. Its seems to be the way he's handling the energy he needs to get out. Hes progressing in school, not falling behind, but we need to work at it. Just have to keep him interested.

Randy will be gone for a month in a few weeks. He will deployed for the big one in the spring "sometime" I feel like I'm... prepared? I guess. Because during his training in San Diego then his stationing in Norfolk, we didn't see him for 7 months. Its going to be hell on the kids. On Randy too. He's been gone so much in the last year. The kids and I will most likely be spending part of the summer back home. Better to be home than baking like a fritter in the Virginia heat.

oh! Wyatt's obsession with when I'm dying vs. when he's going to die seemed to ease last night. We were looking at a height chart we are marking him on and it goes to 12th grade.

He asked me "Are you going to be alive when I'm a senior?"

"Yes" I told him. He perked right up and had a big smile on his face. It looked like a lifted a real weight off him by telling him that.

So I said, "I'm going to be there when you go through college, and find a wife and have kids..." He says "Then I get to watch my kids grow like you did me?"

"Yes" I said. And his relief was obvious.

So I wonder all this time he's been stressing about when I was going to die I've been unable to ease him about it in any way until last night.......Did he think I was going to knock off soon, or what?!

Hurricanes

Hmmm. One month of living here and we get our very first Hurricane watch. Yippie! Wyatt had just been warming to the idea of tornados...now... meh.
So Im mulling over the city outlined evacuation routes, suggested kit items, things you need to do when the hurricane is imminent, like turning off your own power.
*ahem* Yet another reason for me to hate this place. Stupid hurricanes.
Apparently the Atlantic Fleets official position in the event of hurricanes hitting our coast is to fee to sea. What this means for my family is that I get to wade our the hurricane with 2 kids and Randy gets to go float at sea safely away from the hurricane. Nice huh ?
Do I sound bitter? ha!

Wyatt will be starting school next week. 1st grade! Wow. I dont feel the "wow, where has the time gone" thing. I feel more a proudness for the situation. Wyatt has his "skeptical" face on when it comes to school. Im hoping this year goes more smoothly than last year for him.

An aerial view of half the backyard. :)

Fun with the gratuitous amount of packing paper

& first day of boxes (thank goodness we are 75% done!)

Emma defending the nest. (VB Aquarium Trails)

This is their first reaction to the new house